I am moving soon, finally away from my family. In a mad stroke of luck the apartment just next door to my old apartment was available. I’ll get the same great view in a quiet corner on the grounds of a vintage complex. Though much has happened in the nearly past four years since I left the apartment when I became ill, I’ll be happy to return and begin to rebuild some of what was lost. Unfortunately, Zoey and Fatty wont be with me and I will certainly feel their absence as an unfulfillable void. Some things can never be recovered.
Despite the heartbreaking tragedies I’ve endured through the past four years, I am hopeful I can find peace and stability as well as further my healing.
I am starting what may be a long-term effort of describing not only what I experienced in psychosis, but also what I experience today. This is not an easy process for it is hard enough to find a new style of writing, but it is also hard to find new words for what I perceive are misleading descriptions. With new words come definitions and with definitions come abstractions which, in turn, lend definitions their universality.
For those who experience hallucinations frequently, as with those who have schizophrenia, most are afflicted in their youth, before they fully develop not only philosophical concepts, but also abstract/analytical thought and a rich foundation in language. Add to that, what is experienced in childhood is often lost, so they don’t have a lot of history with which to compare their new awareness. Furthermore, few recover well enough to overcome the “thought disorder” aspect of the illness. It is extremely difficult to be consistent and coherent with a train of thought over long-periods of time.
I feel I have a unique vantage point, having studied ontology, epistemology, and phenomenology long before this happened. Though I have forgotten much over time and through the blow of psychosis itself, I find my abilities to think analytically are returning and I am enjoying revisiting old texts from college. It feels good to rekindle an old passion and to feel as though I have an opportunity to contribute something meaningful.