I think the flaw with my perspective is that to date I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of my experience as purely cognitive and physical; I want to focus on how this can be an actual realignment of my energetic condition. I think it will help dissipate some of the discord associated with all of it.
Today I was sitting quietly as my family hurried around me, shuffling boxes, packing and loading the truck in preparation for a move. Staring into space, that nothingness that knows silence again I softly said to myself, “I don’t want to be here any more.” Not in this life, not at this time, not here in this place.
I struggle to learn a new job when I was previously excelling. I struggle just to sit for eight hours a day, ever paranoid that it is not enough, that my efforts are not sufficient. I feel like an idiot and yet I know that this feeling will pass.
This struggle that I have been experiencing stretched itself past the moment into the infinite that I can perceive of my life; will I always be miserable, tearing my way out of yet another mud pit — time and time again.
And there is nothing I hate more than self pity, wallowing sadness and insufferable despair.
Friday arrives which means it is the end of my third week at my new job. The first couple of weeks have been the worst, having just had an appendectomy and then fighting the stress and anxiety that seems out of proportion for myself. This is the remnants of my psychosis and the resulting PTSD.