No word on a start date for the job, as of yet. The agency where I have interviewed is slow in its hiring process. Maybe I’ll hear something this upcoming week.

I’ve got my rent and car payment covered for this month, now I just have to plan for next month. One hurdle at a time.

The spring sunshine and fresh air has me itching to hike and explore. Yesterdays’ mountain drive livened my spirits and my senses.


I am writing my victims impact statement for review of the validity of my case for possible litigation. It seems near impossible to convey both facts and the emotional impact of the events themselves.

My hands shaking, anxiety close in my shoulders, I am putting the final touches on the paperwork.

Thinking About Homelessness

Homelessness is not something I ever want to experience again. Now I spend a lot of time planning what I would do if I were to find myself in the same situation.

I am surviving on a full-time living stipend through AmeriCorps. In exchange for 35 hours of my week, I get $800. This, combined with loans from graduate school have kept me afloat. I, however, don’t want to be further in debt and am dropping out of academics in favor of a more manageable future (I hope). This, however, creates a predicament: that small stipend is not enough to pay both my rent and my auto payment. If I don’t get a job soon, I will have to choose one above the other. I am already one month behind on the car note.

Since my family is also in dire straits from the economy, there are no other support options for me. My oldest brother, Scott, and his three kids are living with my mother in her two bedroom apartment. This is where my other brother, Matt, and I were living before we got our current place. Seven people in a 1200 sq ft apartment with psychosis proved unmanageable for me.

Living in Colorado there are plenty of campgrounds. Come winter, the prospects are more dismal. I have about 30 days to pull a rabbit out of the hat.

Let Go and Let God

Looking for inspiration today, I cracked open a book only to find a typo.

I am struggling with what it means to let go and let God. Prior to my illness this meant take action and leave the rest up to HP to take care of; HP will do for me what I cannot do for myself. My last big ‘let go’ led to humiliation, job loss, and homelessness.

The degradation of telling my boss in full confidence that someone at work had videotape of me being sexually assaulted and that my family was in danger as a reason for suddenly choosing to leave my job is something that will never leave me.

Right action at the right time seems to be more appropriate now.

Job Search Update

Living at the poverty level sucks. Since I quit my job in 2008 I’ve been homeless; I now have an apartment with my brother thanks to a small living stipend through AmeriCorps and financial aid loans for graduate school.

Last week I had two interviews: one offered me the job immediately. A high-risk security background check is required for the position. Thus begins a long process of paperwork, fingerprinting, and contacting old friends and acquaintances. I guess it figures that I would encounter such a situation: stable until all of this and I am paranoid they’ll find me incapable of performing the duties of the job.

I asked my therapist how he would answer the three questions, should they locate him. He said he didn’t know if I could exercise good judgment and yet he will not say I am disabled either.