Coming to a realization

I’m studying for the GRE and the format of some of the verbal tests are creeping into my subconscious mind, such as: code..cipher, as well as dispensation..judgement.

One of the primary features of post traumatic stress disorder is that people don’t like to talk about their experience at all, so therpists devise ways to enable you to express what you otherwise probably won’t on your own.

A second primary feature of PTSD is that people act on belief, otherwise known as delusions. After having a serious delusional break, brought on by new stress or trauma, you have to sort through what was actual and what was delusional and also what was imagination (not to exclude the emotional, mental, spiritual and also physical consequences that arise from such a tremendous departure from reality).

So I have to wonder what it is that I am not talking about directly, what I am coding through pictures and words, for it’s not simply the original experience but the shock of the most previous trauma as well as the ensuing imagination that is me trying to cope with all of this.

My group therapy doesn’t seem to be helping — the conversation and dialouge seems developed and cenetered around specific traumas, perhaps experienced early in life before one developed a vocabulary and perhaps endured years of childhood abuse. It doesn’t touch on the terror I felt for more than a year, nor the disorganized thoughts that prevented me from being able to communicate or comprehend what I was experiencing so much so it delayed my own efforts to seek hospitalization.

I had a different purpose when I began this post, but it is still difficult to try to sort through it all.

Let me know your thoughts!

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