After leaving my last job with a split-second decision and a humiliating, emotionally devastating departure I’ve found full-time work again that I can expect to last at least a few months on contract. It’s not the same direct, salaried position I had before but it is with a company I have always wanted to work for and I am very excited about the position.
I had seriouslly struggled to get back to a place that I found equal to or even more advanced than I had been when disaster struck. It took many years and a great deal of losses to come to a place where I finally realized I needed to extend my circle and seek support and help outside of my buffered community.
UPDATE: The job with CISCO fell through, probably as a result of the horrible samples of work I submitted. They were in-progress samples, more notes to myself than anything finished. I had deleted all of my prior work as a technical writer and I did a good job of it. It’s taken me several months to go through old CDs trying to find new samples of work.
I’m studying for the GRE and the format of some of the verbal tests are creeping into my subconscious mind, such as: code..cipher, as well as dispensation..judgement.
One of the primary features of post traumatic stress disorder is that people don’t like to talk about their experience at all, so therpists devise ways to enable you to express what you otherwise probably won’t on your own.
A second primary feature of PTSD is that people act on belief, otherwise known as delusions. After having a serious delusional break, brought on by new stress or trauma, you have to sort through what was actual and what was delusional and also what was imagination (not to exclude the emotional, mental, spiritual and also physical consequences that arise from such a tremendous departure from reality).
So I have to wonder what it is that I am not talking about directly, what I am coding through pictures and words, for it’s not simply the original experience but the shock of the most previous trauma as well as the ensuing imagination that is me trying to cope with all of this.
My group therapy doesn’t seem to be helping — the conversation and dialouge seems developed and cenetered around specific traumas, perhaps experienced early in life before one developed a vocabulary and perhaps endured years of childhood abuse. It doesn’t touch on the terror I felt for more than a year, nor the disorganized thoughts that prevented me from being able to communicate or comprehend what I was experiencing so much so it delayed my own efforts to seek hospitalization.
I had a different purpose when I began this post, but it is still difficult to try to sort through it all.
Grocery shopping–I choose a banana and the person behind the counter prepares a meal from that.
I live in an apartment underground; my grandmother lives with me. I have lots of money.
Someone serves me soft cheese.
We find a beautiful solution.
We keep our secrets.